How to handle family conflict this holiday season

Marina Zhukova, PhD, psychologist and assistant professor, Louis A. Faillace, MD, Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences, McGovern Medical School at UTHealth Houston. (Photo by UTHealth Houston)

Welcome to “Ask the Expert,” a UTHealth Houston news series where our leading experts examine pressing health challenges. In this edition, we address how to cope with family conflict. 

The holiday season is on the horizon, bringing with it times of joy, togetherness, and celebrations. But family gatherings can also bring unexpected stress and unresolved conflicts. Conflicts are normal in any relationship, but they don’t have to overshadow the holiday.  

What does unhealthy family conflict look like? How can you differentiate it from typical family stress?  

Disagreements are a normal part of any relationship, including relationships with family members. In fact, we may react more strongly to disagreements with loved ones because we often expect them to share our values and beliefs. There is a growing trend on social media to label relationships that involve conflict as “toxic.” However, experiencing conflict does not necessarily mean that a relationship is unhealthy. Disagreements are inevitable, and maintaining meaningful relationships requires effort. We can care deeply about someone while holding very different opinions or making different life choices. 

The key distinction is not whether conflict occurs, but how it unfolds. Typical family stress may involve occasional arguments or frustration, but family members can generally move past disagreements while maintaining mutual respect. Unhealthy conflict, on the other hand, tends to involve recurring patterns of criticism or hostility, particularly when one person’s feelings or needs are consistently dismissed. It may leave someone feeling afraid to express themselves or constantly anticipating the next confrontation. Rather than focusing on a single unpleasant interaction, I encourage people to consider the overall pattern of the relationship. 

Why does family conflict intensify during the holiday season?  

Three main things come to mind when thinking about family conflict around the holidays: 

First, we’re spending time with relatives we don’t see regularly. When we don't interact with someone often, we may be less familiar with how to communicate effectively with them or navigate differences in opinions. 

The holidays can also mean returning to familiar environments. In psychology, we know that environmental cues can trigger learned patterns of behavior. For example, returning to your childhood home may bring back old family dynamics. You might find yourself responding to your parents or siblings much like you did as a teenager, even though you are now an adult. Parents may fall back into their old roles, as well. 

This time of year also brings increased stress and changes in routine. The holidays often involve travel, disrupted routines, and additional responsibilities. All of this can leave us with fewer resources to regulate emotions and, in turn, to manage disagreements. 

What are some strategies for coping with family conflict? 

• Cope ahead: Anticipate difficult situations and plan how to respond. For example, if you expect uncomfortable questions about your career, marriage, or plans to have children, prepare a few responses. You might start with humor, redirect the conversation, or politely say you would rather not discuss it. If the topic has come up many times before, it is okay to remind the person that your perspective has not changed. 

• Maintain routines that help you manage stress: Even during busy family visits, try to make time for activities you enjoy, whether that is a morning walk, meditation, or listening to your favorite podcast. Taking breaks from family interactions can also help you recharge. 

• Plan some downtime before and after family gatherings: If possible, avoid rushing straight from a stressful visit back into work or other responsibilities. Giving yourself time to decompress can make the experience more manageable. 

What are some healthy ways to de-escalate conflict? 

• Pick your battles: Not every disagreement needs to be resolved, especially during the holidays. Sometimes it is better to acknowledge that you have different opinions and move on. Humor can be a great way to diffuse tension and redirect the conversation, as long as it is not at someone else’s expense. 

• Validate the other person’s feelings without necessarily agreeing with them: For example, saying, “I know this is important to you,” can help someone feel heard. At the same time, be direct about your own feelings. In dialectical behavior therapy, we teach communication skills that emphasize describing the situation without judgment and clearly expressing what you need. Instead of saying, “You always criticize my choices,” try, “When you bring up my career decisions, I feel pressured. I'd appreciate it if we could talk about something else.” 

• Know when to take a break: If you notice yourself becoming frustrated or raising your voice, step away from the conversation. Even a short pause can help you regulate and respond more thoughtfully. You do not need to resolve years of family disagreements over one holiday dinner. 

How can someone set boundaries without escalating conflict?  

It is important to remember that healthy boundaries are about managing our own behavior, not controlling someone else’s. There is an old saying that “our freedom ends where another person’s nose begins.” I think this applies well to boundaries. We have the right to decide what we are comfortable with, but we also need to respect other people’s autonomy. 

Be clear and specific about what you need, without blaming the other person. For example, instead of saying, “You need to stop asking about my personal life,” you might say, “I know you care about me, but I’m not comfortable discussing this. I’d rather talk about something else.” 

Setting a boundary does not guarantee that the other person will agree with it. You can communicate your limits respectfully, but you cannot control their reaction. If someone continues to push, it is okay to calmly end the conversation or step away. 

What advice do you have for someone navigating a difficult family member?  

The approach would depend on how much you value the relationship and what you hope to get out of the interaction. 

If this is someone you rarely see and don’t have a particularly close relationship with, it may be best to focus on keeping the interaction manageable. Be polite, pick your battles, and remind yourself that the gathering is temporary. 

If the relationship is important to you, it may be worth investing more effort into improving communication. We call this interpersonal effectiveness. Approach the person with curiosity rather than judgment, try to understand their perspective, and acknowledge their feelings without necessarily agreeing with them. Be open about your own feelings, as well. Remember that improving a relationship takes effort from both sides, and you can do your part without taking responsibility for the other person’s behavior. 

Do not put additional pressure on yourself to have a perfect holiday. It is okay to experience mixed emotions, including frustration or disappointment, while still enjoying time with your family. 

By: Marina Zhukova, PhD, psychologist and assistant professor, Louis A. Faillace, MD, Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences, McGovern Medical School at UTHealth Houston. All quotes should be attributed to her.  

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